My first ever meeting was in August or September of 1999. Relatively fresh off a breakup, I had been tooling around with the idea of meeting someone online, if anything, for the purpose of just getting back out there.

Cue Socialnet, an easy-to-use dating site that let you choose your general geographic area, personal details, photo (singular), and a bio. I signed up, and within a few hours, figured out how to search the other profiles available on the site.

I came across one that looked promising; she lived about 30 minutes away, and seemed to be interested in meeting up for lunch. After I messaged her, we exchanged AIM screennames, and started a fun chat. Within minutes, we decided to meet in person, and she gave me her address. Her home address. At the time, this did not seem to be a red flag, as, well, I didn't know any better.

So I printed out the MapQuested directions, hopped in my car, and drove to her place. The plan was for me to pick her up and go to lunch at a nearby restaurant. I began to worry a bit as a pulled into her driveway. It was the rutted dirt type, and the home at which I was now looking hadn't been repaired in ages. The yard had a beaten up 8 foot-tall chainlink fence around it. I contemplated bailing out, until a young woman bound out of the house, calling my name.

Before I had a chance to get out, she jumped into the car, excited, as if I was freeing her from some sort of captivity. We introduced ourselves, and I realized she didn't really meet the physical description she'd provided just hours before. She also had a foreign accent, one I couldn't quite place, but I brushed aside my nerves, and started driving towards the restaurant.

Barely waiting a minute, she turned to me, and said, "wow, you're really tall!" then, without warning, grabbed my crotch. "How big?" she asked, squeezing and prodding.

I tried to move her hand away, but she redirected my own hand to her chest. I pulled my hand away, and asked her, "is this how you treat all the guys you've just met?" She laughed, and said, "you said you were tall! I like them big!"

Turning the car around, I said, "I don't think we should do this." Oddly, she got more excited, and inexplicably, popped open a button on her top. Pulling into her driveway again, she leapt out of the car--I locked the door, threw the car into reverse, and got the hell outta there, shooting dirt and gravel everywhere.

Upon my return to my dorm room, I was greeted with several messages from her, asking questions like, "why are you such a tease?" and "When are we going to do it?"

I blocked her. I'm stunned I ever met anyone else online ever again.

Being a talker, I can usually carry a conversation if it ebbs.

Jane*, a self-described "extremely successful attorney" matched with me. She lived nearby, and we opted to meet up over coffee.

We met, and I noticed a few interesting things: She was considerably shorter than she said she was, but she was also skinnier than the photos, had ridiculously green colored contacts, and if she didn't a boob job, I'll eat my hat. Her bust could have help entire tray of food.

I didn't have much time to be distracted by her body, though, as she launched into a tirade about online dating, starting with, "I haven't had a good date since I joined up. You men all think you deserve everything on a platter."

Hesitant to cut in, I missed my chance at a rebuttal. She continued, "And I'm tired of you all lying about everything. Your work, your height, your hair, everything!"

Finally I cut in, "Well, you said you were 5'8"! That's a bit hypocritical, isn't it?"

She stared daggers back at me, took a deep breath, and said, "I'm 5'8" when I wear heels. And that's what counts."

I squinted my eyes at her, trying desperately not to glance at her chest, when she started talking about her work. She was an attorney, as it turns out, a litigator, and spent an hour talking about the case she was working on. I may have had the chance to squeeze in an "uh-huh" occasionally.

It was getting late, and did the "welp, I've got work tomorrow", and she shook my hand VERY firmly, and said, "Goodbye," and left.

On my way to the car, I emailed her, "Thank you for coming out to meeting me, while I enjoyed learning about you and your practice, I didn't feel a romantic connection."

She replied, "Typical".

About a year later, I discovered we had a mutual acquaintance who had either worked with her or against her, but told me she was widely disliked by her colleagues due to being "crazy and never shutting the fuck up". Not my words.

*OBVIOUSLY not her name

Ok–so I’m finally going to do it–I’m going to write about my online dating experiences.  Before I begin, I need to set up some ground rules…  Mainly for myself, but to have some semblance of decency, for you too…

Rules for Me

• I will not use real names, nor give details so specific that you will ascertain the person’s identity.
• I will not tell stories about people with whom I maintain contact or keep in touch with in any way, shape, or form.
• I will not tell stories about people with whom I have had more than one meeting.

Rules for You

If you figure out who the person is, please do not let the world know who they are, too.

Please don’t guess who they are, either–the likelihood of you having met some of these people is extremely low.

Do not be offended if you think the story is about you.  It is not.  I do not keep in touch with any of the people I will write about.  If you are reading this, and you know it is about you, then you’re stalking me; please stop.  That’s creepy.

Other “Stuff”

Many of my meetings have been similar.  As a result, I might mix a few details up, combine people together, or separate them into different stories.  I’m sorry in advance; but I don’t actually keep notes or records on anyone.  This is ALL from memory.

I don’t intend to embellish any stories from the truth.  If something seems too bizarre to be true, well, it’s probably true.

I’m sure that I’ve been the weird one in some of these meetings.  I’m probably not going to talk about that much.

Thank you for respecting the rules, and enjoy hearing about my experiences!